I don't know what the vague sickness in my stomach is, but I suspect it may be fear.

In 18 days I leave this desert.  I'll drive across the country alone despite the comments made by some.  While I have had a friend volunteer to drive with me, I know that once I get home I'll want nothing to do with him.  At least I suspect that'll be the case.  I know it sounds harsh but I only want to go home.  I do not view this drive as a fun adventure and if he were to go with me, I'd still not feel it was an adventure.  Last year when I went with Rod it was fun; if I were going with Gretchen or Tyler there would be things to do.  As it stands now, I just want to go home.

I'm not convinced the drive is what I'm afraid of.  I have an interview on Friday which is giving me anxiety -- that and the fact that if I do well I'll have to schedule a time to do a demo lesson at a later date (with 12 hours of flight time involved, I can't help but to be anxious).  I have a lot to get through at work.  There are so many items on a checklist that need doing.  Reconcile my attendance which means highlighting the names of students who withdrew from class during the year and noting where they went. Return "technology" to the appropriate place.  Return keys.  Print my grade book (something they have access to -- why don't they just print it themselves??).  I have to review my personnel file.  Ugh.  In the meantime, I still need to teach and I simply cannot drum up the energy to do any school work.

Maybe I am just depressed.  This year has been so arduous for me.  This is a classic "be careful what you wish for" scene.  Public schools suck, especially those in urban areas.  I don't feel as though I've had enough impact on my students.  Sure, they like me and sort of understand what I was trying to do, but they still never learned personal responsibility.  Is this what the future leaders look like or should I rest assured that there's no way a president from Nevada with lead this country?

Maybe I'm afraid of returning home and not having a job.  Being here, if nothing else, has kept my monetary worries at bay.  I should try to be positive, but I know something is wrong and can't put my finger on it.

I hope when I pull in the driveway sometime in mid-June I'll feel the pit in my stomach relax.